I Like The Way You Are:

Storytime with Kate

As Ruby said in last week's newsletter: Life really be life-in', dontcha think?

*you'll notice words highlighted in yellow below: they are some of the themes of the My Self Study Practice - they're highlighted like this to show you how they've show up in real time for me throughout my Self Study Practice*

My word of the year, as you already know, is Fortify:

This has been an unintentional thing, but something I'm noticing.

I'm used to people saying things about me and it intentionally having a negative connotation (especially in regards to a woman): 

Words like: aggressive, loud, big, passionate (when they really mean angry af), ranting...

But I have someone in my life right now who uses all these words in love. Like, they're characteristics of mine that he names for what they are, and then actively likes those things about me.

"I saw your rant on instagram the other day and I think you crushed it. So many good points." 

"No I don't think that email was mean. Why are you even asking me that? You aggressively told him that he was out of line. It's a great email."

"You're getting really strong, fast. Your lats are huge. Genetics are wild like that."

"I couldn't ever teach this class - I can't even get as loud as you when I try! You are great at your job."

When I first met him, they way he just casually used words to describe me that historically have been said about me with "fix this about yourself" attached to it was really challenging.

Even though I've been in this work of allowing myself to be, words like this trigger my shame.

A lot of my life has been about getting smaller, saying less, being softer.

There was big messaging for me growing up, that was confirmed through my 20s via "self-help" and "personal development" and even people I called my friends, that sent the message for me to be quiet because how I feel, and what I think, hurts people somehow.

Yeah, I've been working on this in therapy for a decade. It's deep.

** I'll also distinguish this: harm is not the same as feelings getting hurt or general discomfort about what someone is saying **

It's hard to learn to love things about yourself that you've been consistently told, and shown, is bad and makes people want to disconnect from you.

And then someone comes along, and you're open enough to trust them, and they tell you and show you that they like the pieces of you that are big and bold and loud and aggressive.

When I began doing anti-racism work, a word that came up for me that swirled with shame and made me nauseous when I thought about it, was ignorant.

Because, for the life of me, I couldn't make my way out of the fact that I was wildly ignorant about racial dynamics and the discriminatory systems in the US and how those spill over into our interpersonal dynamics.

So if it's true that I'm ignorant... what now? But I couldn't make it past the idea of it being true that I was ignorant because for me, and most others that I've talked to about this, ignorance comes with so much more judgment than the word's mere definition: noun: lack of knowledge or information.

So I broke it down: yes, it was true that I had a lack of knowledge or information. I felt really present to that. That's just facts. Acceptance. Trust told me I could make a choice. Did I want to stay here? Or did I want to do something?

For the love of all things good I wanted action. Knowledge. Gain some. Immediately please.

The kryptonite of ignorance is knowledge. I learned and unlearned and relearned and unfolded in so many new ways that I never could have imagined if I had chosen to stay small.

It took hella courage because I was SO AFRAID for people to see my ignorance (lol @ me thinking I had hidden it from anyone but that's cute and ok).

I'm so proud of that courage because doing that work made me someone that I enjoy and appreciate. I'm more open to myself and others because of it.

I'm grateful I got bigger instead of stayed smaller.

When you hear me and Ruby say, "we do it together as a reminder that we're not alone." this is what we're talking about:

getting people in your corner who are on board with loving you right where you're at instead of trying to change you. 

because if you grew up getting any kind of message that the way you are is __not enough__ like yeah, you gotta start unpacking that for sure because maybe you didn't start it but here you are now living with that message, but it's not like you're never going to receive that message out in the world again... so you shouldn't have to unpack it alone. You get to make friends who help you see the goodness in yourself so that when it's hard to find on your own, they're there for you, for all of you.

You also get to have the container of the Self Study Program (we started last month but if you're really wishing you had jumped into the cohort, there's still time! All sessions are recorded so you can catch right up! Apply here and let's get you in a community of folks who are all here to help you see your goodness and meet you where you are). 

You deserve to have people in your corner who hear your heart and hear what you care about when you're mid rant instead of saying "I can't engage with you when you're angry." Or instead of energetically pulling away and assuming you need space to "cool off."

You deserve to have people who trust you when you send an aggressively clear email to someone who has not followed through on their word, and has taken your work and used it as their own. They like that you're ready to confront bullshit without being passive about the wrongdoing that took place.

You deserve to be seen and understood by your people.

You deserve to be big and bold in your own way, if that's the way you are.

Instead of breaking down my big-ness, what my closest people do is fortify my magnitude.

What is your word of the year?

What are some of your goals?

How do you want your life to feel?

And are the folks in your life fortifying that, or pulling you apart one thread at a time?

I posted a rant on my stories the other day about the fitness industry and a test I had to take that was SUCH bullshit... and at the end I said, "I hope that breaks your heart and makes you furious."

And if there's someone in your life who's pulling you apart at the seams, I hope that breaks your heart and makes you furious.

I also hope it's not you.

Because in your fury lives deep deep access to love.

I see your love in your anger. 

I hope you do too.

And if you can't always find it, I would love to help you find it.

Life can be hard, but it doesn't have to be miserable. You don't have to do it alone. It can be better.

Get your copy of the My Self Study Practice Guided Workbook and Journal and book a Discovery Call here so that when you come across one of these narratives that makes you want to shrink, you choose courage instead.

The freedom is waiting for you on the other side.

I see you. I love you. I am SO GLAD you're here. 

I love that about you.

xo,
Kate