my redemption

Storytime with Ruby

Hi there,

As Kate mentioned last week, the Duality of Harm & Healing in Fitness, Yoga and Wellness is finally here! It's a limited series podcast that we're releasing weekly, each aligning with a theme of the My Self Study Practice.

It's been many years in the making... both as our life experiences and as our work together.

A primary goal of this podcast is to help you access your own embodiment -  That you get to feel a sense of belonging in your body, and that how you want to be in the world aligns with how you actually show up.

We talk about "people and their bodies" and here's how we think about bodies:

Your body's experience includes everything. How you feel - thirsty, tired, angry, sad, overwhelmed, in pain... And then it also includes what you think... and what you believe... Its energy; it's emotions; it's "felt senses"; its physical pains, it's trauma and its triggers, it's diseases, it's aging, it's hormonal. It's heart, mind, spirit, body, lineage.

The reason we highlight this idea of "people and their bodies" is because so much of what we've been taught is how to separate our humanness from our bodies.

But we're not robots or machines - There's so much more that goes into a person and their body than the calories they consume.  There is not a hierarchy of bodies. All bodies are good bodies. And when we can get back to connection with our bodies, that's when true healing takes place.

WHERE THERE'S CONNECTION, THERE'S TRUE HEALING AVAILABLE.

So in the spirit of the podcast, I'd like to share a poem I wrote about my experience in my body. And as you go about your week... especially as we kick off 'the holiday' season... 

May you be kind to your self
May you experience ease
May you be at peace
May you be free

my redemption 

has not been 

from the darkness that looks like darkness 

or the shadows that appear as shadows.

i’ve gone to where 

the darkness looks like light—

i’ve strived 

and 

pretended 

and 

tried 

incredibly hard. 

i’ve spoken in tongues, 

touched my toes to the back of my head, 

and gone without bread for months 

in the name of being 

good enough.

i worshiped at the altar of christianity, 

the altar of wellness, 

the altar of denying myself,

and for the sake of what?

none of it felt like God.

none of it felt like the moment I place my toes in the sand and finally feel the ocean breeze on my face. 

none of it felt like the chocolate frosted birthday cake that my sister made when I turned 32.

none of it felt like love.

now i find myself 

holding hands with my partner on a walk 

and it’s like i’m looking 

into the face of 

God herself

i find myself growling 

when i get 

overwhelmed 

and the creature within me 

purrs with delight.

i eat cake 

for breakfast;

close my eyes so i can taste it 

most deliciously, 

and then i go about my day in peace.

i’m finally free. 

and it’s not from any fix i was sold on the internet. 

it’s not from shrinking or playing small.

in fact, 

i’m much bigger now. so big that my restraints 

couldn’t hold me anymore 

and i realized it was all a trap 

to begin with. 

to keep me small and agreeable and out of the way. 

but 

true 

light 

takes 

up 

space. 

true 

light 

floods 

every 

nook 

and 

cranny 

and 

there’s 

nothing 

to 

hide 

from 

any 

longer.

true 
light 

is 

just

waiting 

for 

permission 

to 

shine. 

beyond the 

shoulds and the

woulds and the

oughtas— 

to burst through 

the facades 

of our false gods—

and 

offer 

us 

grace 

and

space

and 

a 

life 

worth 

living 

for yourself, 

without depravity, 

without shame, 

without fear— 

no longer believing that you’re hard to love — 

here 

now 

in 

all 

your 

fullness

where even the 

darkness 

belongs 

and the shadows can 

linger 

and neither can fool me any longer 

into my well-disguised self-destruction 

because 

i no longer hate myself 

for being human

so what about 

you? 

will you shine with me, too?

I'm so glad you're here.
You're doing great,

Ruby